Fever

Research papers just suck. Haha. I've been googling, searching my library online for something on Hawthorne's literary aspects in his writings, specifically The Scarlet Letter. I've having a tough time deciphering what to use, what not to use. Oh, and having free essay websites pop up is about to make me scream. It's like, "stop tempting me! Give the good stuff!!!!!!!!" Then there's all these .com websites. I can't tell you how many times Mrs. Witvoet from my 10th grade english class grilled into my head to use .org, .gov or .edu websites- they're ten times more reliable (taught my mom that fact this morning.) So it's very, oh so very, frustrating. I just got off the phone with Jason's telling them that I need them to find someone else to work my shift tomorrow to give me 5 extra hours to work on this darned thing. School first, work second.

This is what you get for procrastinating. Don't do it, boys and girls. Just don't do it. I'm thinking about having a party when I get this done and over with.

So I don't like research papers, it's officially official. The stress of it mounted on my normal stress just doesn't make a good combo. I've wondered lately if I'm depressed. I have no joy in the normal things that I would enjoy. I'm more apathetic to schoolwork, more than I normally am; in my mind, if it's not done, it's not done, but at the same time, I pushing myself to make it through to Friday. Everyday I fight the battle of making it to the moment I can lay in bed and forget my fights with life.

Reading this, thinking about what I've blogged lately, none of it is "happy." It's more depressing than ever. It gets more and more depressing every time I blog. Yet, people keep reading it. Why? Why people? Surely there's nothing that people want to read from a 19 year old going through my life's trials that I despise every second.

My blog is my outsource. I put all emotions and feelings on here. It's really theraputic for me. Could I put my thoughts in a journal where it's private? Yes, I could. But it's more meaningful to me to put it on here. Plus, chances are I'm on my computer so I can type away. Whereas having a journal nearby... no. My mom reads it to see what's going on in her daughter's head, I know that much. A friend, to check up on me. My family... yes, I know you guys read this and I don't know why. But I still speak my mind here. I find comfort reading stranger's blogs who are going through life's troubles, too. Everytime I see sadness and grief in a blog I think, "Thank goodness I'm not the only one finding pain in life and screaming 'why God? Why?'" I sympathize with people who I don't even know. Their blogs are a thousand times worse than mine, but I whine about having no rock in my life anymore? It's messed up.

I'm giving my love life to God. It's one less stress to deal with. I always thought the people who would say that were so... naive. But it's the truth. I sat in the library tonight with McFormer. He was across the room yet at the same time, I kept waiting for one of us to say something. Neither of us did. Maturity or stupidity? you decide. But it's true. In my quiet time with God (blow drying my hair and/or driving is my talk time with Him) I asked myself, what am I stressing it for? I'm only 19. If I was 30, I could understand the freak out. But I'm 19, there's plenty more fish in the sea. Plenty. Mr. Right might not be with me, as much as I wish he were on this stormy night, but I have hope he'll come around someday.

Why me!?

That's all I can ask. Why? Why does it have to be my life that always goes wrong?

Things in my house are going to get way more dramatic because of the honesty I said. Details won't be shared, but it's only going to get uglier. I blame myself for what will happen. I hate myself for it.

As a result, Miami most likely will not happen. Of course, it figures Jessica and I figured out where to stay, where to go, the transportation pass to get, etc, 2 hours before this all happened.

tomorrow is monday...

and do I need it. My day off from life is what I like to call it. No work, just school and counseling. I need my counseling... I'm in the "ugh" mood on my life. I miss certain people and wish things didn't go so SOUTH with them. I'm full of questions, like "why did I say that? Why did I do that? What was I thinking?" But at the same time, that's how you learn, right? You see the real side of each other when those things happen.

I don't know why, but I'm exhausted but WIDE awake at the same time. I fell asleep putting my siblings to bed earlier so I'm looking at the "ceiling" aka the computer screen, right now. I'm thinking about Miami A LOT. If it'll be worth it, praying that my dad lets me use his points to fly down there and get a hotel room. Jessica and I cannot stop talking about it at all. We've been making jokes about putting down our self-defenses long enough to get through security and how it's going to be OH SO MUCH FUN. Haha, I can see it now. Two petite white girls walking the streets/beaches of Miami alone. God, keep us safe. I just hope and pray this G.W.O. (girls week off) happens. Thankfully, my mom is advocating this girls' week of fun, so she's pushing for the points. I mean, I have NEVER been that far south in the USA. I'm practically going to another country. I'm excited, as y'all have read :)

Huh? Bear Grylls got injured?

It's true! The man of all men, the beast of all beasts, adventurer of all adventurers is injured??!??!? So injured he had to go to an actual hospital and stop shooting his manliness???? It's a shocker! He might gross me out eating LIVE (so live it's still wiggling) fish, but still... the poor guy. I'm sad for him. He's hot, I'm not gonna lie. There's something attractive about him... minus the drinking his own urine in the desert- that's just gross, way gross! See the story here.

In other news... the tree is up, the decorations are out. It sort of feels like Christmas now. If only there was snow on the ground, then it would really feel like Christmas.

There's high chance of my best friend and I going to Miami for New Year's! It's going to be a blast and a half, I only hope it will actually work out. I mean, I get to fly let alone go sit on a beach at the end of December and get a tan... I can feel the rays soaking ine now :)

"She's come a long way since then"

These were the words my mom's/my dear and amazing friend, Susan, said about me today at our luncheon. My mom was telling a story of how she got her myspace: basically, she had a rebellious 15 year old who wanted to be bad and put herself out on the internet, so she needed to watch her baby. Gotta just love moms, right? Right. So, enter the phrase quoted in this blogisode's title: and you get me. Lauren Brittany Bice, 19 years old (19 1/2 in 25 days), not-too-recently single, grasping for a rope in life, yet still

happy at the same time.

Yes, it is true. I was quite the naughty 15 year old. Minus booze and drugs- I was too good to sink to that level. Still am... just with a couple drinks every now and then. But I was that little rebel every parent dreads- I'm not sure if it was the typical teen thing, testing the limits, being the oldest daughter, etc. It could've been all of those reasons. In fact, it was. I dated a boy mommy did not approve. I got a myspace even when the ban of "no social sites" was enforced. Secretly emailed said boy. Snuck around. I was a bad girl- testing the limits-wise. Finally, mom had enough and took away the cell phone, email, computer privileges, etc. I always swore she was a nut case who was out to get me. My then-friends agreed.

Fast forward 4 years to me now: a non-rebellious, mommy knows best (most of the time), don't put up with your crap woman. It's true. It's weird how 4 years can change someone- but I think a lot of my maturing came within the last 4 months, honestly. Why? I've had the biggest emotional and mental battle ever. I had the worst car accident I'll ever remember (yes, no injuries, but still). The next day, I discovered my father's secret he'd kept hidden very well. I ended up in counseling b/c of this secret... and live on those meetings I have every Monday at 3 pm w/ my counselor. I thought I had my rock, the person to get me through it all. I didn't, he was gone with those two words "we're done." I honestly though my world was crumbling that night he broke up with me. Jumping off a cliff and killing myself seemed like a good alternative to the heartbreak and pain I was about to endure. I cried 3 days straight. I had to literally pull myself together just to get a shower. I never felt so weak yet heavy at the same time.

Then the Thursday after the breakup, something went through me around 2 pm. I honestly thought, "What am I doing? I've cried long enough. I need to pickup and go." Sure enough, I did it. I went one day without crying... then 2... then 4.... then a week... then 2 weeks, etc. I've learned to take everyday slowly. You NEVER know what will happen in your life. Never have I ever felt God's hand on my shoulder letting me know that He is there no matter how much pain I am going/have gone through like I do now.

Sure, I have my moments when I crumble, when I give in to the pain and just want to give up. Give up on this battle I told myself that Thursday that I had to fight no matter what. I have these battles every single day. Like logging onto my computer and seeing my mom was still logged into Facebook and McFormer's page is right before my eyes. At first I thought, "ugh are you serious?!!?" But then, I was like, "you know what? so what?" The pictures he took of us are gone and not there at all anymore. Does it hurt? Oddly, not at all. My pictures I have of us have stayed b/c that's part of my history. It's part of who I am.

When my pastor told me to go to my counselor, I looked at the phone number for a solid week. My pride was high and I thought I could fight the battle. I thought I would be ok. Then something happened and I cried- who was I kidding, I could definitely not do this on my own. So I made that phone call. Boy, to this DAY I'm so glad I did. Literally, right around this time every single week, I want Monday to come fast. I call her my accountability partner. She can give me looks sometimes in the middle of my rambles on the week's events and I go, "I know... I shouldn't have ____ at all." That woman has probably saved my life, yes she probably knows it. But I'm so grateful for her. Words can't express my thanks. After all, she said I'm gonna be a kick butt wife. Ha!

So it's a new week. I don't know what's going to come my way except stress from school. In the mean time, drama could happen first thing when I wake up, at church, at home, who knows. It's gonna happen and I can't control it, no matter what.

My favorite things

It's Christmas in the Bice household. The tree is going up today :) Mom and I went out to Victoria's Cafe this morning with the ladies from church. I got to see two of my babies which was fun. After an awesome pedicure, I got some pics of Hannah being a model. Then some of my absolute favorite things about Christmas. The kids put out their boots for St. Nick who's supposed to come by and deliver either candy or coal ;)

Troublemaker at his finest.

Charlie and the boots

Starbucks's Christmas blend coffee. Best stuff

FREE Christmas candle... nothing better

Hannah in her Christmas cape