1.02.2009

Amen, Sistah

Being the blog stalker follower that I am, I came across Faith's new blogisode, and I must say, amen Sister. She's having the exact same trouble I am, only mine slightly more complicated.

I had an amazing lunch with Susan today (no, not my mom Susan, my friend Susan) and it was nice talking to someone who's wiser, close, trustworthy, been where I've been in life, etc. I talked to her about everything bugging me, my inner battles of my conscience vs. my heart, all the things my life holds before me. After my long talk to her on my side, she talked about her 4 little blessings that I love and adore so much. She told me how she and her husband played the game Life with their 2 oldest daughters and the "life" they had. Livy had multiple blessings, became a grandma and was ecstatic with how her "life" turned out and told her dad if that was how her real life was going to be, she'd be happy. Then little Em, my brother's potential wife (it's a joke), became this millionaire who lived in a castle. Later on, while I was redeeming gift cards/exchanging a too-big shirt for amazing new yoga pants, I started thinking- if I played a realistic game of Life, how would it turn out? Would I be a teacher in a great school, devoted wife, adoring mommy of 4, gorgeous house, dog, love, laughter and all? Or would I be old, decrepit, mean, and a crazy cat lady (minus the cats, we'll substitute dogs)? It gets you thinking, churning thoughts. Maybe that's why I've been so quiet today...

I'm thinking about starting to read Lady in Waiting. Controlling me that I am, I once again am having a battle with God over my future. I want a Mr. around- relationship and all. BUT I love being single, being me, having the opportunity to do what I want in life and to have fun. Only I want someone to do it with. My life's filled with my ghost, again he's been around today and I don't like it. Where one would find peace, I find resentment. It's the conscience vs. heart game that I mentioned above. I'll spare details. But I, being me, want to have some sort of control over my future prince. He can come with faults, no white horse, heck, no armor! But I want that someone who's there for me to crawl up next to and have those talks that I love. You know, the ones that seem to last for hours and you find more and more to talk about. A man on fire for life; who can put down temptation; who stays true to his morals; the list goes on and on. I know he's out there somewhere, but everyday (even in the blowdry thinking time) I ask God to take my control-freakishness away. Slowly it's happening. But it feels like it's molasses and moving really slow.

1 comment:

Faithfully Yours said...

If you turn into a mean cat woman, you can gladly take Pearl lol. Just kidding! I guess we will just have to be patient. Time will tell. Hopefully not TOO much time.