planning, plotting... by golly, I'm getting jolly

for now, that is.

Moving on. Here is my plot for this week:

1. work.
2. MAKE time for my paper
3. counseling
5. work

Getting the picture, anyone???? Yes, Ms. Master Procrastinator (not really, actually) has a big paper due in a week... anyone know anything on the literary aspects of Oliver Wendell Holmes's "Old Ironsides?" Please let me know.

I've worked a lot this week. Probably 30 or more. I'm exhausted but felt like making a fun blog!


Happy Holidays

It's the official countdown to Christmas :) I'm in a holiday mood here, people, so go with it.

While everyone is shopping, I'm staying in my nice cosy bed thinking I need to put the Rat Pack's Christmas cd in my car. I'm sure 96.9 is playing Christmas music, even though they seem to play the lame Barry Manilow songs (a jewish guy singing Christmas tunes.... hmmm...) What's crazy is the fact that I'm in the mood for Christmas. 4 weeks ago, I definitely wasn't- I was practically Ebenezer Scrooge shouting bah humbug!! I'm not sure what the change is due to- I'm working Gymboree today and cannot wait. I wish I was in Boston though because Christmas isn't Christmas without snow and there is no way I'm going to the midwest to see it this year.

I'm discovering that what my counselor declared is true- I'm a future housewife deep down inside of me. I got up at 6 yesterday morning to start the cooking for the traditional Thanksgiving feast. Like, actually wanted to get up. Granted, coffee was the first thing on the list- but I can't remember if I made it or my mom made it. My brain's gone a little blank in the last few weeks. I was so happy cooking, it's scary. I actually laughed because I remembered her words from a couple sessions ago in the midst of crumbling the cornbread for the stuffing- "you are going to be a kick-butt wife and mom. I can see you doing the carpool thing, the PTA thing, being hands on with your family." God bless that woman. I love her.

Speaking of counseling, that stuff is amazing. It might only be an hour a week, but it's a miracle. I will leave and look forward to the next session. It's nice venting to someone who isn't involved with other people who are in my life. She understands my point of view and supports my decisions- she even holds me accountable to those decisions when I'm doing what the old Lauren did- not sticking up for herself. New Lauren on the other hand- I really honestly think and make my decisions. People might try to sway me, but these days, no swaying here. I'm sticking to my decisions, I don't care what opinions people have of them. I can't wait for Monday though. I'm an advocate for counseling. I know people who've done it and hated it or saw no effect but here's the thing- it's all about the person you go to. I'm going to a woman who's in her 20s. Not a 50 year old man. That's where the difference is. Off my soapbox now :)

I'm ready to get back to school. I have so much stuff to do before classes are over, it's stressful. I have a research paper on literary aspects regarding any author due in American Lit, 3 extra credit things to do for history, a lab to do for Biology... it's stressful. Then two jobs. But it's ok.


Not so bubbly anymore

So I was just looking at my page and realized... when was the last time I was "bubbly"? It's been a while.

I'm feeling the challenges of life, as you all have read. I talked to my mom finally over lunch and it looks like things could go even more south. My parent's first court date is January 12th, 2009- 10 days before Hannah's birthday.

I'm doing ok as a person though. My counselor told me a few sessions ago she wanted me to start reading Genesis, starting at Abraham's life and going from there. She wants me to see that I cannot control everything that happens, and that God is in control. He might be doing some rough things to prove His point, but in the end, it will all work out.

That's hard for me. But crazily, the more I read about Abraham's stuggles, the more that I feel at peace. When my life's feeling pretty dumpy, I just read about Abraham- the man had it ten times worse. I don't remember the last time I turned to God for wisdom, strength, reality, patience, and so on.

My struggle at church though- my sunday school class. There are two children that really test me. It's so hard, because while they are only 4, they know what they are doing is wrong. One thinks they're better than the others, shouting "I'm done first!" or not obeying. The other one has quite the smart mouth and is so disrespectful I want to just ask their parents, "do you not discipline this child?" It's a test of my patience and I often have to just turn my back before I say something.

Maybe I can go drown my thoughts in some biology or history. Knowing me, I'll end up reading Anne of Green Gables or just get on Facebook.


Emotional Rollercoaster

Ever had those days where one minute you're happy, the next minute you're blue as a panda bear?

That's me. That's the past 2 months. Only it seems a lot lately. One minute, I'm not thinking of Matt, divorce, work, money, and happy. The next, it all floods back and I'm still happy. Then later, I'm blue and can't stand thinking about it but keep thinking about it.

I thought I was ok with the breakup, at least the last couple days. Apparently... not. Ugh. It sucks loving someone you want the best for sometimes.

Divorce... I can't do anything.

Money, yes, and no. I have 2 jobs right now, nursery is over until next semester. I got my refund FINALLY from Calhoun for this semester since you have to do a circus act to transfer loans. Then the church sent me money for doing nursery, on time thank goodness.

work, see above.

Happiness? One day, eventually, I KNOW I'll be happy with my life. It won't be perfect by any means, but it'll get better.

As my counselor says, right now, when I want to cry, I can cry. When I want to laugh, I should laugh. I just pray I get better emotionally. One day.


I have to laugh at this day specifically. Well, yesterday. I'm not sure. Our new president-elect makes me sick to my stomach. I'm a die hard Republican on a lot of issues. I was dead determined to go vote yesterday; I've WAITED for this election since I was a kid because I could vote for the first time. Now going in, yes, I knew chances of Obama winning were high. But I figured I could do my part for the Republicans. Yes, I am very disappointed in what our country chose- a liberal who doesn't even pledge allegiance to OUR country. What kind of president is that, I ask? I'm resisting getting on my soapbox, please bear with me though. Point is, I'm upset that an idiot like him was elected.

My parents' divorce is looming. No, it isn't official it's happening yet (that comes Friday), but I know it will. I hate that I have a father who can be so... selfish. He tells his family it was "just a couple phone calls and texts." I resist my humanly instinct to mail the cell phone bills to my grandmother and aunt. I'm the one who found out, I saw the bills... trust me, it was way more than what he claims he was. To me, my father can leave my life and never come back. It's rough, criticize if you want, but that is how I feel after 19 years of having a cheat for a father.

So my house, come January, will be put on the market. I don't want to think about how my two siblings will handle it, they were sobbing today because Obama won and to quote my sister, "I wanted John McCain to win." If they cry over that, I cannot fathom their reaction to their parents divorcing. Chances of my father being kicked out of our church run high. There's going to be court, I know there will be due to his selfishness regarding all things monetary. He will pay for daycare, school, food, etc. whether he likes it or not, and I am putting faith in God to control it all.

It's hard seeing all this happen. Holidays are coming, that will be really rough to say the least. I just want this fall to be erased from my memory.