Life's going rough right now.

Matt and I aren't together anymore. Today's day 3 of not being with him. It sucks, I'm sort of over the crying, I still have my moments every once in a while. We did it for good reason; I'm not saying that I like it. In fact I'm hoping more for us taking time apart for a while to think what he and I both want, and if we want to be together, we'll be together. That's me though, I don't know what his thought is.

He and I were literally best friends; when something happened, I texted him/called him first thing. Whether it was a test, work, saying I love you (I miss those), we texted all the time. We told each other everything. We experienced a lot of crap together too, and I think that's what really makes a couple. Last weekend though was odd for us, and we don't know why... communication was lacking to day the least.

I miss him to death. His eyes, his voice, his "reality checks", his decision making. I miss hearing "rawr, I are a t-rex and you are a lowly brontosaurus!" I miss him shoving me when I was going to sleep in my nook at 11pm. We were finding OUR favorite tv shows... it's kind of creepy, but we had a nighttime ritual. I miss him pulling me down to cuddle; my nook, it had a specific spot. It had to be the right side, not the left. I miss talking to him about his work outs, losing weight, guessing his weight when he'd weigh himself, all while I ate chips and salsa (haha). I miss his parents, they were AMAZING and hilarious, they'll be awesome parents-in-law, I wish they were mine.

Reading his blog last night was hard; I came across one from when he was at the beach back in August and he talked about how he missed me... I have to wonder if he misses me in the same way. It's hard not having someone to kiss, to hold hands with, to cuddle, to cry too.

Breakups are so painful. My manager last night said, "we old people want to be young again, we just want it without the breakups." I have to remember why we did it. If we get back together, I know what to do right, chances are I'll be over the moon from happiness. I thought he was the one, even at 19. We meshed well; we were opposites but got along great 96% of the time. :-(

This is funny, I had to blog it. Matt has this thing where he likes to say he's a T-Rex (the rawrs and all) and I'm a "lowly brontosaurus." I don't remember when he started it, it's been a couple months. It's a guarantee way to get me to laugh, even when I'm super cranky. Anyway, he found this on some blog and put it on Facebook just for me to see. I have to say, it's all true!

Reality

My life is not perfect- unfortunately. I wish it was perfect, full of "roses and puppies" but it isn't. It's filled with mistakes, change, drama... I used to plan out a whole year. Now, I know that life can pull a 180 on you and completely change within 3 months, a day, or an hour. It's one of those things your realize as you get older (don't laugh, 30+ somethings); life isn't going to go your way.

I had a good talk with Matt tonight, stuff I had to get off my chest, stuff I needed to go to him and say, "does this sound like a good plan? Honestly?" He's the one person who can give honest when you need it, even when you don't know it. Nowadays, I'm getting to the point where I go with what he says from the get go- I might not agree with it, but 99% of the time, he's right, I'm wrong. I still think for myself, I just get it double checked by Reality when I need it; and when I don't.

I feel like I'm not in control of my life; oddly, though, I'm ok with it. I'm over the emotion, somewhat; over thinking of the "what ifs" that will happen with my life. I have to take what I get, and I have to make the most of it. As Matt's dad says, "life is what you make it."

If only it were that easy