11.08.2009

In the Pits

If I were going to be honest with you right now, here's what I'd say: I'm really apathetic right now. Yet at the same time, I'm anxious about tomorrow. The thought of a ton of blood work is very nerve-wracking to me. The thought that I had not only one incurable disease was crazy, but my liver has no cure either. So imagine my thoughts, now.

I wish there was an easy cure for celiac. Take a pill and you're cured. If only. I wish that I really didn't have it. I wish that people understood everything that a person with celiac feels. To be honest, it feels pretty dumb to say, "oh I can't eat that, there's gluten in it." I cannot count how many blank stares that I've had when I say that. I guess that's why I gave up and have been eating a regular diet.

I won't lie, the night that I was in horrible pain a couple weeks ago, I knew what it was. There was no lying. I'd never been in that type of pain, ever. I still get those pains occasionally. I'm blessed however. My doctor has celiac and has personally looked at my ultrasound results to see everything going on. She hasn't handed them off to someone else to look at. Her nurses know that this isn't just a disease. This is a chronic disease I will have the rest of my life. There is no cure at all, whatsoever.

As more people are getting diagnosed, it's becoming more well-known, but that doesn't mean anything to me. Sounds harsh, but it's true. People who don't have it just don't get it. They don't know what it's like to have to try and catch everything. They don't have a clue as to how expensive it can be. Then there's a people who switch to the gluten-free lifestyle because they're hippies and such, so when people hear about me, they assume I'm a hippy. Wrong. In a way, these people have diluted the seriousness that should be felt towards this disease.

I'm sure I sound like I'm rambling, which I am. I just want this to go away. To make matters worse, I have so much stuff to do between now and the end of the semester, which is a little over a month away. This disease has made me apathetic. The entire past three months have made me way too apathetic.

However, the phone call from my doctor briefly, thankfully, snapped me out of it and made me realize that I am killing myself. Really, I am. I have this disease that old, obese people get (or alcoholics.) Not me. At least, I'm not supposed to have it. But I do. Which has in turn made me resentful and anxious.

What I want to do is run away. Run away from this town. From this life. From school. From work. But I can't. I want a vacation where no one will bug me. Not my thoughts, computer, phone, siblings, no one. Just me. Again, not happening anytime soon. I'm becoming such an introvert these days. I used to be an extrovert. I'm tired of running into my past. I want an outlet. I've been close to deleting my Facebook because I'm tired of seeing emo/mushy/loveydovey/pitiful/attention grabbing statuses. It's such an annoyance. But at the same time, I'm on there a lot. But I'm not even doing anything.

On top of all this, I thought the water was under the bridge with the church but I was wrong. No one was bugging me, I've been getting back on track with my relationship with God, and wham... over. My dad was told to pass me a message and to call so-and-so back. right off the bat, my reply was... no. I'm so done with that. So completely over it. Then again, I'm obviously not, because it's just making me mad again.

So if you could just pray for me to have peace tomorrow, that'd be a great start. I'll update tomorrow if I know anything, which hopefully, I will.

Love,
Lauren

1 comment:

Hannah Noel said...

Goodness, friend, you need a serious break from life!!
I would have sent them a message back saying you're dealing with too much as it is, and that you'd appreciate it if they would leave you alone. They're going about it in a juvinile way too! (did I spell that right?).

I'm so sorry about your health issues. I can't imagine being in your shoes. It's certainly not fair. Just keep relying on God to get you through everything.
Have you heard the song "Crawl," by Superchick? Well, if not, then I'm recommending it to you!

Chin up, good buddy. Praying/thinking about you.