This blog is very emotional, as a warning.
I feel like McFormer is my ghost. Everywhere I go, there he is. He's not there in person- he's there in spirit. I feel like I'm Izzie in the recent episodes of Grey's Anatomy, where Denny is her ghost.
The G.M. of Newk's came into Jason's today. He said, "Aren't you Matt's ex-girlfriend?" It was bad enough all that was in my mind at the time was the last fight we had where I said ugly things and the thought of breaking up was triggered in his brain. So seeing Millner walking in didn't help the issue-at-hand at all. Hearing that made my heart stop, made me turn cold (really, it did), and I shuddered. And all I could say was, "yeah." On the optimistic side, he asked why on earth I was at Jason's, not Newk's... I said, "because Matt's there?" He said the minute he quits, he'd hire me. Yay?
Back to the origins. Facebook is an annoyance these days, mainly because 56 of my friends are friends with him, too. So I see his name, my veins turn cold and less oxygenated than they already are. I see posts he writes at 1 am wondering "what on earth is he doing out so late?" It's a constant cycle and I feel that at times, I cannot handle it anymore. Yes, we don't talk, we haven't run into each other either, thankfully. But it feels like he's my ghost. He's in my mind constantly; I drive by Sonic and think of the time we went there for limeades on one of our first dates (after we closed McAlister's) and talked about our favorite things, firsts, how I was his first girl... I was his first at everything, looking back. I miss those days sometimes.
One day, I know in my head I won't think about him every 2 hours. I'll have a new guy, a family of my own, a job I love, a degree in education, all not necessarily in this order. But it seems like that day is a lifetime away on days like I had today.