These were the words my mom's/my dear and amazing friend, Susan, said about me today at our luncheon. My mom was telling a story of how she got her myspace: basically, she had a rebellious 15 year old who wanted to be bad and put herself out on the internet, so she needed to watch her baby. Gotta just love moms, right? Right. So, enter the phrase quoted in this blogisode's title: and you get me. Lauren Brittany Bice, 19 years old (19 1/2 in 25 days), not-too-recently single, grasping for a rope in life, yet still
happy at the same time.
Yes, it is true. I was quite the naughty 15 year old. Minus booze and drugs- I was too good to sink to that level. Still am... just with a couple drinks every now and then. But I was that little rebel every parent dreads- I'm not sure if it was the typical teen thing, testing the limits, being the oldest daughter, etc. It could've been all of those reasons. In fact, it was. I dated a boy mommy did not approve. I got a myspace even when the ban of "no social sites" was enforced. Secretly emailed said boy. Snuck around. I was a bad girl- testing the limits-wise. Finally, mom had enough and took away the cell phone, email, computer privileges, etc. I always swore she was a nut case who was out to get me. My then-friends agreed.
Fast forward 4 years to me now: a non-rebellious, mommy knows best (most of the time), don't put up with your crap woman. It's true. It's weird how 4 years can change someone- but I think a lot of my maturing came within the last 4 months, honestly. Why? I've had the biggest emotional and mental battle ever. I had the worst car accident I'll ever remember (yes, no injuries, but still). The next day, I discovered my father's secret he'd kept hidden very well. I ended up in counseling b/c of this secret... and live on those meetings I have every Monday at 3 pm w/ my counselor. I thought I had my rock, the person to get me through it all. I didn't, he was gone with those two words "we're done." I honestly though my world was crumbling that night he broke up with me. Jumping off a cliff and killing myself seemed like a good alternative to the heartbreak and pain I was about to endure. I cried 3 days straight. I had to literally pull myself together just to get a shower. I never felt so weak yet heavy at the same time.
Then the Thursday after the breakup, something went through me around 2 pm. I honestly thought, "What am I doing? I've cried long enough. I need to pickup and go." Sure enough, I did it. I went one day without crying... then 2... then 4.... then a week... then 2 weeks, etc. I've learned to take everyday slowly. You NEVER know what will happen in your life. Never have I ever felt God's hand on my shoulder letting me know that He is there no matter how much pain I am going/have gone through like I do now.
Sure, I have my moments when I crumble, when I give in to the pain and just want to give up. Give up on this battle I told myself that Thursday that I had to fight no matter what. I have these battles every single day. Like logging onto my computer and seeing my mom was still logged into Facebook and McFormer's page is right before my eyes. At first I thought, "ugh are you serious?!!?" But then, I was like, "you know what? so what?" The pictures he took of us are gone and not there at all anymore. Does it hurt? Oddly, not at all. My pictures I have of us have stayed b/c that's part of my history. It's part of who I am.
When my pastor told me to go to my counselor, I looked at the phone number for a solid week. My pride was high and I thought I could fight the battle. I thought I would be ok. Then something happened and I cried- who was I kidding, I could definitely not do this on my own. So I made that phone call. Boy, to this DAY I'm so glad I did. Literally, right around this time every single week, I want Monday to come fast. I call her my accountability partner. She can give me looks sometimes in the middle of my rambles on the week's events and I go, "I know... I shouldn't have ____ at all." That woman has probably saved my life, yes she probably knows it. But I'm so grateful for her. Words can't express my thanks. After all, she said I'm gonna be a kick butt wife. Ha!
So it's a new week. I don't know what's going to come my way except stress from school. In the mean time, drama could happen first thing when I wake up, at church, at home, who knows. It's gonna happen and I can't control it, no matter what.