Two blogs in one night. I know, this NEVER happens. Except rarely. Let the juices flow, right?
I've been thinking a lot lately. Maybe it's my weekly counseling sessions that get me thinking. I'm not sure. I've been thinking about how mischievious God is lately. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's downright annoying. Annoying would be how he gave me this chronic disease that will not go away. But back to tonight's topic: being single.
Oh, sure, I could list the great things about being single. But lately, there's been the part of me that wants a boyfriend. That's right- Ms. Proud to be Single isn't so proud these days. Actually, I take that back. I am proud to be single because it means I haven't settled. But then there's the side of me that wants someone around. Cue God.
So God's thrown me curveballs. Managers that hit on me. Ungodly men that are handsome as ever. Kind of like the whole "Let's see what Lauren does when man candy comes her way." Yeah. Very funny, God. Very funny. Because the truth is that while I am, regrettably, shallow I also know that looks aren't everything. It's all about his character, personality, beliefs. Not just what he dresses like, how he does his hair, and the way his eyes make you melt. No, it's not. And boy, I wish it was like that. So when I see these girls that have it easy and have handsome, strong men, I do get jealous because I haven't had that someone around yet. But then I think back on the men that I've dated and have ditched and think, "no, I had it. I was just a shallow girl who was afraid." Ouch on the honesty. This change in me came a couple weeks ago.
Remember the post about independence? Well the night that I wrote that I had this very... awakening... dream. Ironic, no? It was my Ex. The Ex. He came to me at a restaurant and said "let go." And I woke thinking... wow. And to be honest, it wasn't just me that was thinking that. I prefer to not dream about the masochistic, Mr. Macho idiot of a man (sorry.) So I really started thinking deeply about what it really meant. Do you know what I would have given to have Joseph around to interpret the dream? Only, I really didn't need him to tell me, I already knew what to do. And so I did it. I (finally) let go and realized that I no longer had that stomach flipping reaction everytime I closed my eyes and thought about him. I could only do it because I knew that it wasn't him talking to me- it was Him.
What's even more amazing is my reaction to a picture of him and his new young girlfriend (who's in high school.) All I did was laugh. That was really all I could do. Was it hard? Yes. Was it easy? Definitely. It was hard to see that he's moved on but at the same time, it was so easy because his character was loud and clear in the picture.
But I know that this didn't happen because I decided to have this movement. This was all God, showing His power and his funny sense of humor. It's made me question myself and regret throwing a guy to the curb just because he was my height and not the tall dark handsome man I've imagined; I didn't go for his hysterical personality or his quirks. This new revelation is not a New Year thing, that's for sure. It's definitely a chapter in my life that I really cannot appreciate enough.
So God, You're funny and downright witty. I can only hope that I have the patience I desperately need to sit and wait for the one who's worth it.